Today

Today. Today is the day we've been dreading. It's kind of weird. We are the only ones who even seem to remember, and that makes me sad. I get it - of course. In fact in some ways I feel very much the pressure to "move on." - almost like it's not acceptable for me to even mention this today. 

Today was our baby's due date. 

Baby four should be here. 

We shouldn't be turning that bedroom in to a room for Jemma. 

We should be neck deep in diapers, and bottles, and figuring out how to have 4 kids. 

We should be dog tired.

Instead we are left with wondering if you are a girl or a boy?

What name would we have settled on? 

Should we try again or are we finished?

Baby four, I miss you every day. I am painfully aware of your absence. 

Life has moved on, but we think of you often.

We love you. 

Easter 2014

I'm not going to lie. The past few years Easter has not been great. It's been fine, but the rejoicing in my soul kind of great just hasn't been there. Let's face it. The past few years have been hard!

This year was different. I felt Easter in my soul. We did a few things differently. I'd like to share what we did differently, why Easter was different, and of course a few pictures.

First of all, Greg and I are new members of a church. It's a place we both have been members of before. We left and now we are back. We love it. It has been many years since I felt excited about going to church on Sunday morning and I have that back. It's awesome. I know that belonging and fitting in to a body of believers has been the primary reason that Easter felt real again.

We also decided to forgo Easter baskets with the girls this year. It started out as a way to save money. It turned in to more! Greg and I sponsor a child through Food for the Hungry. About a month ago we got a catalog in the mail from them asking people to send money for food and other items. For instance you could send $16 dollars to send 2 rabbits in a family in the village. You could send $4 for a mosquito net. You get the idea. Well, Jadyn got really in to it, so we asked her if she would be willing to not have an Easter basket and instead send the money to purchase something from the catalog. She said yes! We were so excited. She decided to send 2 chickens to one of the families in the village. We got to talk about it again Easter morning and she was still really excited that she decided to skip the basket and send a chicken instead. (She did get a basket from Nana and Papa, so she wasn't totally deprived).
Easter was so much less stressful not worrying about Easter baskets.

Church was awesome Sunday morning. We had a delightful time worshiping our Lord and Savior and our Pastor delivered a powerful sermon. It was so great! The church was packed. We had trouble getting out of the parking lot. What an awesome problem to have. :)

I think the biggest thing for me is this: The sounding resolution, echoing words that He lives. And, because he lives we will get to see our baby again one day.
Praise the Lord. 

After church we headed to my parent's house for Easter lunch and an egg hunt. It was gorgeous weather, delightful company, and a fantastic afternoon. Greg's grandparents were able to join us for both church and lunch - we had a great time!

Grandma, Greg, and Jadyn flying a kite

Jaycie watching too

 Jemma hunting eggs

 Jaycie hunting eggs

 Jadyn and Jemma picking flowers

 All the Tripp grandbabies

 Jadyn having kite troubles

 The older 3. BFF's :)

Two.

Well we made it.
In the world of NICU babies and preemies turning 2 is a big deal! When preemies turn two they are considered "caught up" on the developmental charts. No more adjusted ages for meeting goals or anything.
Our girls have been caught up since about the 6 mth mark, but it's still fun to know we made it to the 2 year mark. In my head it feels like a "graduation" of sorts! Woo hoo!

The girls are such a blessing. They are a hoot. We almost have all our teeth - just working a couple more to come all the way in, we are getting along more frequently, and starting to really talk up a storm. It's so much fun. Jaycie answers "yup" when you ask her a question. It's so funny. Jemma loves to grab your hand and say "come on" while she drags you someplace.

They are still sharing a room, but Jaycie has moved to a toddler bed. She's doing surprisingly well in it and even more surprising - Jemma doesn't seem to mind. I thought Jemma would be ticked that she wasn't in a toddler bed. :)

They are completely in love with their big sissy. I'm so thankful for that! We pray consistently that they will all be friends. That's really a frequently repeated phrase around here "she's your sister, she's your best friend."

I'm actually rather weepy as I write this tonight. What an incredible journey the Lord has taken us on with these girls.

The day they were born - quick snapped pics before they got hooked up to all the machines

They first night home together from the NICU - still on monitors

Turning 1!

Almost 2!

Thank you Lord for these sweet girls! 

A few pictures

I have some pictures to post of the girls. It's time to return to our family blog spot. Before I do though I'd like to give you another update. My last blood test came back with my levels below 10. Which is great. So now I will go for blood tests the first Wednesday of each month for the next 6 months and if everything stays below 10 I will be released. Yay.

If you think about us would you pray now as we figure out how we are going to pay for all this? My surgery bill especially is causing problems. Our only options are to pay it in full within 6 mths (and the payment would be more than our mortgage) or put it on a medical credit card. We don't want to do either one (well we can't pay it in full...we are teachers people), so we are praying for another solution. And, would you keep praying for me? I'm having more good days than bad ones now, but the bad ones still come and are absolutely exhausting. Crowder's I AM is pretty much carrying me through.


Okay, there is no way to transition out of that one so here it is: awkward transition.

We enrolled Miss J for kindergarten today. WHAT?!? How can that be?
The twins will be 2 in two weeks. WHAT?!?!?!
Next week we are going to start transitioning Jaycie into a toddler bed. HOLY MOLY!!

I tried to take new pictures of them. Hahahaha. It didn't go well. I did get a couple of decent ones. They just really aren't in to sitting still or sitting together. :)

Jaycie at 23 months.

Jemma at 23 months

Jaycie snug between their chairs

Sweet happy Jemma - teething and with her rashy face. (Her face is slowly healing. It's been a looong process) 

Jadyn and Daddy playing in the snow last month.

 They piled the snow at the bottom so she could slide in to it.

 They are so good at letting me take pictures. I was inside the house taking picture from the window. :)

We are blessed. 

Well, I got some news

I got some news from the doctor.

My doctor and the pathologists have determined that I did not have a molar pregnancy. There were some chromosomal abnormalities that initially pointed that direction but after further more careful testing they determined it was not molar.

This is great news. 

My doctor still wants to proceed with caution. I am thankful she cares enough to do so. I will have another blood test tomorrow to make sure my pregnancy levels are still dropping. Once my level is below 10 (and we are hopeful it will be tomorrow) I will go for monthly tests for the next 6 months. If every month my level stays below 10 I will be released from this nightmare portion of life and free to try again.

We are thankful for your prayers and faithful encouragement. It is still (and I'm sure will be) a daily struggle.

Do you want to know something? Did you know that at my doctor's office when you have a baby you are billed for the delivery. In that bill are all the doctors visits and tests and what not. So, you pay one lump sum for the pregnancy.
Currently, I am receiving daily EOB's from our insurance company because when you lose a baby they go back and charge you for every office visit. So, every single day for the past week I have been given a daily visual reminder that I don't get a baby.

It totally stinks and there isn't a thing I can do about it. 

I will leave with a request. Actually, 3 of them.
1. Will you pray that my tests get and stay below 10. I really am ready to move on.
2. Will you pray for me as I deal with the mail each day? I did okay today, but yesterday was a magic meltdown kind of night.
3. Will you pray for protection for me on social media? I have a lot of pregnant friends. I have 4 that are due around our due date. It is hard. I don't want to shut down my facebook, or avoid it, or not talk to people or whatever - but I need protection. Maybe that those posts won't pop up on my newsfeed or something? I'm trying very hard to stay upbeat, but the honest truth is I downward spiral on every baby post. It's hard. I know many of you have walked that walk.

I ordered a necklace the afternoon of my D&C day. It finally came and I've been able to wear it.  I want to share it with you.

Holding Pattern

I'm sorry I haven't given an update - there's not too much to report. I heard from the doctor last week. My blood test showed that my levels had dropped dramatically - which is great. I had to have an ultrasound anyway because of my bleeding. I didn't hear anything back about the ultrasound so I'm assuming everything was okay. This is all great - at this point it means I won't need another D&C. Yay.

The doctor also informed me that more of the pathology report is back and now pathology isn't sure if I had a molar pregnancy. This could be excellent news, but it's not definite.

So, currently I am waiting for my doctor to meet with pathology to determine if indeed I had a molar pregnancy. I'm currently still being treated as if I did, so I have another blood test today. If they decide I did not have a molar pregnancy then we would be allowed to start trying for another baby, I won't have to worry about cancer from the pregnancy, I will be released from the weekly/monthly blood draws, and basically everything will be back to normal.

So, I'm waiting. Trying not to get my hopes up.

You know what else? I'm still pretty sad. I feel like the molar pregnancy took our focus elsewhere but the fact of the matter is we still lost a baby and that is still sad.

So there is the update. I will let you know when I know! Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement.

In the meantime, this little Jem (see what I did there?!?) has been a snuggle bunny the last few days and it's been just what I need!

Another Update

Thank you to all of you who prayed for us last week during surgery and recovery. It was a long slow week, but I seem to be starting to feel more like myself again. However, our situation is not over yet. 

Last Friday the doctor called to tell me that part of the pathology report was back and that I had a partial molar pregnancy. This is rare and complicated and I don't want to to get in to it - you can look it up if you really want to know. You should know this though, it involves abnormal cells that can possibly lead to cancer. I had an appointment today because she thought the full result would be in and we would be able to start a course of action. 

 The full pathology report from last week's D&C still isn't available. They are running extensive tests on it to confirm that it was a partial Mohler pregnancy and not a complete Molar pregnancy. 

My doctor is planning on it remaining a partial Molar. 

The bad news is that because my Doctor didn't know it was a Molar pregnancy prior to the D&C there is a pretty good chance that she didn't get all of the cells and tissue when she was in there. This combined with the fact that I'm still bleeding quite a bit and that my pregnancy levels are still rather high I had to have a blood test done today to see if my levels have dropped. If they have not dropped I will have to get an ultrasound to see how much tissue is left and if there is any left I will have to have another D&C. We should know the results of the blood test before the weekend. 

Because we are assuming it was a partial Molar pregnancy I will have to get my blood drawn every Wednesday until my pregnancy levels are below 10 (I was at 500 last Friday). Once I am below 10 I will have my blood drawn every month until next January. This is to make sure they got all the abnormal cells. The abnormal cells can easily turn to cancer so this is why I have to go through all of this. 

We are not allowed to try to get pregnant for at least a year. Doing so could cause cancer. If I have to have another D&C there is a good chance there will be so much scar tissue that I won't be able to have any more babies. 

A Molar pregnancy is a freak thing. It is caused by chromosomal mix up. There is nothing we could have done to prevent it. If everything stays okay this year and we do decide to try again for another baby there is a very slim chance it would happen again. 

I'm still taking Motrin 800 for pain - mainly in the evening as I'm on my feet all day. I do have permission to pick up the girls again - so that's a relief. I'm also taking Ambien at night to help me sleep. The doc said she recommended it until I make it to the monthly blood draws. She said I should start to feel more comfortable with the plan once I make it to the monthly blood draws. 

I will let you know when I hear back about today's blood test. For me, that's the big thing I'm waiting for. The Doctor said she would call as soon as she knows. Please feel free to ask anything I wasn't clear enough about. We are doing okay - still sad but getting better.

Please continue to pray for us. Not only are we dealing with the miscarriage, but now all this on top of it. Greg has been an absolute rock though the whole thing so pray for continued strength for him. Pray for me as my body is still adjusting to all the rapid changes that have happened to it. I'm also behind in my school work and have 1000 papers to grade, and I'm concerned about the upcoming test results. Pray for Jadyn - we told her about the baby but remember she's only 5. She knows something is wrong but doesn't know it. She's very clingy right now (which is fine, but also a signal that she's not herself). 

Thank you for all your facebook and blog comments. Your words have been more encouraging than you probably know. Please don't stop! I frequently read back though them when I'm having a moment. 

We are still trusting and still know that God in in control. 

Stick with me.

As most of you know by now we've had a rough few days. On Friday I went in for a routine pre-natal appointment and the doctor couldn't find our baby's heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed the worst and we've been grieving ever since.
Tomorrow morning (7:30 am) I go in for a procedure to help my body through this difficult process. Needless to say, we are not looking forward to it and we are nervous.

But here is why I am blogging.
I have 2 things to share.

The first is this. We don't want to pretend like this baby never existed. We were lucky enough to have an early ultrasound where for about 15 minutes we got to watch the baby's heartbeat and see the baby move around. Because of this we need to acknowledge that we are the parents of 4 children. We have three here with us and one that has gone on ahead. We may not get to know the sex of the baby and even if we do we will keep it between the two of us, so we will call this baby 4. Our other kiddos are nick named by their Uncle Rod by birth order, so it only seems fitting to carry on the tradition. If and when we do decide to try again for another baby it will be our 5th.

The second thing I want to share is this: I had a come to Jesus moment tonight in the shower. We haven't been angry at God we've just been sad. Tonight I was thinking about the fact that we have other verses we've chosen for our girls - Jadyn's is Zeph 3:17, Jaycie is Mark 12:30, and Jemma is Joshua 1:9. We need a verse for baby 4. And just like that He gave it to me in a song. Shane and Shane. Psalm 145: 8-9 "The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made." 

So, with one song, many tears and a long road ahead of us here we are - understanding that the Lord is abounding in steadfast love. He is good to all. If we believe that then we have hope. 

I have one request. If you stuck with me in the blog post would you let me know either with a facebook encouragement or a comment here on the blog. Will you pray for us tomorrow and there after as we walk through these deep waters? 

If we believe that God is always in control then we have to believe He is now too.
And we do.
-Greg and Jamie